I'm Holding On To Every Lyric Of Every Song

I walk out side, pulling my robe tightly around me and me.

Feeling the 6am wind blowing against my skin.

I stop at the mail box, opening it and pulling out the mail I notice a big yellow folder.

It's been a half a month and I finally get the results.

I close my eyes,feeling a shiver go up my spine.

I walk back into the house and put the folder on the table to go make breakfast, not ready to see what it says yet.

Around noon I go up to Patricks office,folder in hand.

"Patrick" I whisper. He looks up from his laptop,smiling at me before seeing the look on my face.

"What wrong" He asks concerningly.

I walk closer and plop the folder on his desk, seating myself on a chair.

"Is that-" I cut him off with a nod. "I can't open it myself,please do it" I beg.

He takes the folder, slowly opening it he pulls out the paper.

He reads it for a minute before looking up at me.

"What does it say?"

"I'm going to go take a shower" I muttered to Patrick, patting Patrice's head before heading upstairs.

Patrick followed me into the bathroom, closing it behind him.

"Whats wrong?"he asked worriedly, wrapping his arms around me.

"I'm fine"I breathed, wrapping my arms around him and taking in his scent.

"Don't lie to me"he said firmly.

I sighed, rubbing my nose in his neck, enjoying the moment before letting go of him and looking him in the eye.

"I-I,I drank last night"I said.

His eyes showed fear "How much?"

"I dunno, like 30-40 shots, I had to pee so I went upstairs. I was so drunk I didn't even know where I was going. I opened a door and their was a guy changing. I said sorry and was about to leave when he stopped me. I tried to reject but I blacked out-passed out or something. I don't remember. Patrick I-I'm so sorry. I'm so horrible. I don't deserve you. I woke up this morning naked. Patrick-"I sobbed, but Patrick cut me off.

"Shh, Shh"he said, holding me tightly.

"Its okay, you did nothing wrong."Patrick whispered into my ear.

I sobbed into his shoulder as he held me lovingly.

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

Every night I sweated like crazy, I lost weight left and right and I was pale as ever.

I had dark lines under my eyes from the lack of sleep.

"You need to see a doctor"Patrick said.

"Yea, daddy's aways ight"Patrice tried to say.

I nodded.

"I'll call Pete to watch Patrice. Just get the car ready"I said to Patrick, kissing his cheek before grabbing the phone and dialing Pete's number.

____________________________________________________________________________________________

"So whats wrong with you Mrs.Stump"The doctor asks.

"Um, I sweat allot, I'm losing weight....oh yea and um...I've gotten really pale. I've always been really pale but like..not like white white"I said, nervous of what he was going to tell me.

But I felt allot better with Patrick sitting beside me holding my hand.

"Hm" The doctor nodded.

"Do you know what it is?"Patrick asked, just as nervous as I was.

"You have signs of HIV and AIDS, or it could just be a bad flu. But that's not very likely" The doctor said like it was no big deal.

"What!? Do you have proof? Don't I need to take a test?"I said getting upset.

"Look, we need to know everything that happened in the past month" The doctor asked.

"I-I don't know, nothing bad that I remember"I asked.

"Do you have HIV Mr.Stump?"The doctor asks.

He shook his head.

Suddenly my eyes went wide.

"Ohh, have an idea what happened do you?"The doctor asked, seeing my reaction.

"Yea I-"

"Let me guess, you cheated on your husband because you were "drunk" and now your busted because you weren't smart enough to use a condom" The doctor said.

"What!!? No, I was raped you asshole"I yelled.

He fell silent.

"I just thought...Everyone else-"

"Yea well I'm not like everyone else"I said getting up.

"Look, Mrs.Stump, I'm so sorry"he said.

"Yea well, just use my blood you took from me for some testing. I want PROOF I have it. Because it might be just another person to you that's going to die, but I'm a mother who needs to be there for my daughter when she grows up, I have a job. I have a husband who needs me, I have FRIENDS who would die for me. So you better not fuck up because you'll be fucking up allot of lives. Including yours because I'll make sure you wont have a job.....Mr...... Aden"I said, turning around and grabbing Patrick's hand before storming out of the hospital.

2009

May 13

"Mommy" Patrice Nicole Stumph shrieked, running towards me and grabbing my legs.

I laughed, picking her up.

"Is daddy being mean to you?"I asked the two year old, seating her on the counter before kissing her nose.

"She was in my office again" huffed Patrick, trying to act mad but failing and letting a small smile slip.

I rolled my eyes at him and went back to the stove.

"Oh yea, Pete called. He said that we all need to meet him tonight at his place for a party. I think its for Mothers Day"I said.

"Oh"Patrick sounded disappointed.

"Whats wrong?"I asked, turning around toward him.

"Oh its just, I had plans....Its fine. I'll just cancel"Patrick tugged his hat down farther before kissing my cheek and leaving towards his office.

I shrugged and picked Patrice off the counter.

She looked just like her father.

The red hair, the mouth, nose, eyes, even the skin.

But she has my curves.

Which is good considering shes a girl after all.

"Hey Pete, great party"I yelled over the loud music, smiling and hugging him.

Since I put Patrice in Jon Walkers hands I finally got a night to myself.

I didn't mean for it to happen, it just did.

It started when I had to many drinks, Patrick and Pete off somewhere talking business for awhile and so I sneaked a couple drinks.

Me being me I drank about 30 shots in 20 minutes and I had to pee really bad.

Stumbling up the stairs I pushed open a random door, it wasn't the bathroom.

There stood a man, getting dressed.

"Oh I'm sorry"I slurred, stumbling a little bit while trying to close the door.

"No, No. It's okay."he said, smiling at me.

"I'm just looking for the-"I stumbled back .

Everything was spinning and it felt like someone was pushing my eyelids shut.

Before I could finish my sentence I fell against the wall from passing out.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke the next morning, a killer hangover already starting.

I groaned, trying to sit up but failing.

I suddenly felt cold and noticed I was naked.

I screamed, suddenly fully awake and jumping up.

I looked for a clock, finally finding one it said 6AM.

I looked around the room panicking.

"Oh my god oh my god"I kept whispering over and over almost in tears.

I finally found my clothes in a pile by the door and hurriedly put them on.

My cellphone rang and I reached in my hoodie grabbing it out.

"Hello"I said scratchily.

"Where the hell are you? I looked all over for you last night and couldn't find you so I figured you went home. You weren't there!! I'm worried sick about you. Patrice is yelling and screaming saying "I want my mommy""Patrick yelled.

My breath hitched for a second.

"I-I think I'm in Pete's house, I-I don't remember-"

"Why are you there"Patrick yelled.

"Look I-I"I was about to tell him, tell him I think I was raped but he wouldn't believe me. He would say I got drunk and cheated. But I didn't, I passed out I think. I don't remember.

I sighed "Yea sorry, I was tired last night I guess and fell asleep in one of the guest rooms. Sorry."I lied.

"Oh, yea its okay. Sorry I yelled. I'll come and pick you up okay?" his voice softened.

I smiled a little, "Okay, Bye".

"I love you" he said.

"Yea, I know" and I hung up.

I put my hands to my face and started crying.

Falling against a wall and sliding down.

What happened last night?

[Kanye West is hott,I don't give a shit what you say]

"Can I talk to him alone please?"I whispered to Patrick,my eyes pleading.

He nodded and walked off the bus,not looking back.

"Brendon" I said,forcing him to look at me.

"You know I love you,and I still love Spencer,but-but we all need to move on.Spencer did,and Hailey is so amazing.Just take your time and you to will move on"I said,wiping his cheeks clean from tears with my thumbs.

"One more kiss?"he choked,looking straight into my eyes.

I smiled and nodded.

We slowly brought our lips together.

It seemed like forever when we finally broke apart,but in reality it was only half a minute and 4.1 seconds.

"Goodbye Brendon,I'll see you in acouple months"I said,standing up and going to the backroom,leaving him on the floor shaking,crying, with swollen lips,and shock.

______________________________________________________________

5:43 AM

"I'm sorry"Patrick said,his eyes were just as sad as Brendons.

I looked up at him and gave a sad smile "For what?"I said,running my hands through his hair.

I loved nightime because that was the only time Patrick didn't wear a hat.

"Everything,If it wasn't for me you'd be back with Brendon and you'd both be happy"Patrick whispered.

Reaching out of the bunk he got one of his hats.

I grabbed his hand "Hey,Hey-I'm glad we got together.Don't ever think different.I-I love you Patrick"I looked into his eyes,seeing them turn from sad to happiness.

"Really?"he whispered,a smile curving at his lips.

I nodded,smiling too before we kissed.

Before things got heated he pulled away,not ready to go that far yet.

"Lets go outside and take a walk,I can't sleep now and I wan't to watch the sunset"Patrick said,putting his hat on.

"Okay,but you can't wear your hat"I said,taking it off and throwing it out of the bunk.

"What?! Wh-"I cut him off by my lips,kissing him sweetly.

I felt myself craving that closeness.

But I ignored it and grabbed Patricks hand,getting out of the bunk.

Patrick wrapped his arms around me,noticing that I was shivering from the sudden coldness.

Considering that I was just in one of Patricks colar shirts and underwear.

I smiled at him and kissed him once more before pulling away and grabbing Patricks hoodie that was thrown by our bunk, putting it on.

"Where are my PJ bottoms?"I whispered.

He grabbed a pair of blue Eore pants out from under the bunk handing them to me.

I bit my lip,Brendon got these for me.

I slipped them on as Patrick put warmer clothes on too.

We went into the frontroom/kitchen and put on socks and our shoes.

Mine were gray skater shoes that I had specially made and the left says 'Owns" and the right says "Bden".

I rolled my eyes at them,hoping Patrick didn't notice.

____________________________________________________________________

"Its beautiful" I said dreamily,staring up at the sky as I watched the sun come up.

"Not as beautiful as you"Patrick said,grabbing my hand.

"That is so cheesy Patrick,but sweet"I smiled at him before kissing him.

Nothing is better then to sit out in the park,holding hands with Patrick and kissing him while the sun rises.

I lay on Patricks bunk.

Asleep.

Fall Out Boy was performing their show here in a small town near Las Vegas.

*Knock Knock*

"Ugh"I groaned,shoving my head under the pillow.

*Knock Knock Knock*

"Go away!"I yelled,I am so not ready for Press or Interviewers or Fall Out Boys annoying friends.

I heard the door open and close as I started dozing off.

______________________________________________________________

"Why are you here!"Patrick yelled.

I opened my eyes and sat up,looking around.

It was pitch black.

"I just wanted to talk to her!"

I got up and put one of patrick's shirt on.

:O

"Yes! But you had no right to just walk onto the bus"Pete yelled.

"I knocked.But none answered!"

"She was asleep,you shouldn't of been here anyway.You could've just called!"Pete yelled again.

I tried to look for my pants but I couldn't find any,and the yelling just got louder and louder so I ran out.

"Brendon!"I yelled.Shocked.

I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at everyone.

"I'm sorry I just wanted to talk to you,in person! Why-Why were you in-in that,in Patricks bunk?"he asked,sounding hurt.

I shook my head "Whats going on?"I asked.

"We came in after signing autographs,and heres Brendon standing in the bunk area staring at you while you were asleep"Pete said,calmer now.

"Freak"Dirty laughed.

Brendon looked at him hurtly.

"Hey,I'm just joking dude."Dirty said,hands up while walking backwards towards the door.

"I'm coming with you"Andy said to Dirty,getting up and walking off the tour bus.

"Me too"Joe followed,running out the door.

We all stared at Pete.

He sighed,shaking his head.

"Fine,whatever." Pete sighed,patting Patrick on the shoulder before walking off the bus just like Joe,Dirty,and Andy did.

"You need to choose"Brendon said.

"What,Why? Theirs nothing to choose from anyway.I broke up with you,I moved on Brendon"I shouted.

"But you still love me,I know you do! Do you love Patrick too? I mean how long have you guys had secret crush hu? Everytime I looked at both of you,you'd be staring at eachother! Its not fair,this is all not fair! Your suppose to be mine! We were suppose to grow old together and get married and have children.FOREVER"Brendon yelled,but started sobbing in the middle of it.

I shook my head,"I'm sorry Brendon.I-I,I love Patrick.I want to be with him."I said as silent tears fell from my eyes.

"No,I'm not going to let you give me up like you did to Spencer!"Brendon sobbed,he was now in the floor.

"Don't you get it Brendon! Its suppose to be like this! I moved on from Spencer for YOU! and me and Spencer are so much closer now! Were better friends now! Now let me move on from you and go to Patrick,Because-Because I know hes the one,forever."I was now on the floor too,infront of him and holding his shaking hands.

"But-But I lu-love you" Brendon stuttered,he looked at me with the most lost and hurtful eyes.

It reminded me of all those bad days when Brendon use to come from his parents house because they fought.He was always crying and came to me first for comfort.

It reminded me of the time when me and him bailed church so we could go to a party,he had his first joint and his eyes were so red,so unreal.

The time he got his glasses broken in 9th grade from the 11th grade jocks.

The time his parents caught him in his bedroom with bad friends.Drinking beer and smoking pot whille listening to satan music,his mother said it was.I remember that night,it was around 1AM and he let himself into my room.He had a bruise on his eye and a busted lip.

The next day he called me up and told me his parents said sorry so it was okay.

And so many bad memories filled my head with that same look,that same look that makes you want to break down.

And I caused that look,I caused him to feel like this.

"Um,this is hard.....Um"Patrick squeezed my hand encouragingly.

I smiled at him.

"Okay,lets get this over with.After the New Years Party in NY.....BRENDON did some sexual things to me that I didn't want!!"I gushed out.

"What?"Ryan yelled,jumping up.

Spencer put his head in his hands and Jon passed out,falling to the ground.

Wow,they took it pretty bad.

"Izz,I-I didn't mean to,I'm.I'm so sorry.Is this why?"Brendon looked at me,tears threatening to come out.

I nodded "I couldn't stand you touching me because it brought back memories,but I'm over it now."I said.

"So we....."Brendon trailed off,scared to ask.

I shook my head.

"I think we should move on,you see-this was the other thing I wanted to tell everyone"I said calmly.

This was going allot better then I thought.

Ryan ran to the kitchen and came back with a bottle of water,pouring it on Jons head.

Jon jumped up with a gasp and glared at Ryan "You-"he growled.

I know,I know.I love you too"Ryan smiled,sitting next to Brendon and trying to comfort him.

It made me happy that they didn't hate him or get all mad like Fall Out Boy did when they found out.

My sidekick rang and everyone looked at me.

I got it out and answered it,putting it to my ear.

"Hey its Keltie"

"Hey,whats'ya need?"

"I wanted to know if you were still going to dinner with the rest of the girls like you said last night"

"Who's going to be there?"

"Um,Not Hailey or Cassie because they have classes,but somehow Jac got my number and she called and wanted to go,and some of my friends are going to go"

"I'll call some of mine too,we can go to a club instead of a dinner.You don't know how bad I need to relieve stress right now and just let go of everything for a couple hours"

"Hey where are you?"

"Vegas"

"Where in Vegas?"

"With Panic,talking before you called and interrupted"

"Talking about what?"

"What we..."I trailed off,hoping she'd get the hint because I didn't want to say it in front of them.

"Oh,OH.Oh my god! Don't tell them your dating Patrick" Keltie whispered.

"Why?"

"Because in the future when you forgive Brendon,you'll go back to him.But if he knows you were dating one of his best friends He'll never forgive you.Its just facts"

I rolled my eyes,but knew she was right.

"Okay,yea.Whatever.Bye"

"Bye"

"Who was that?"Jon asked.

"What were you going to tell us?" Brendon asked.

"Um,none,nothing.I actually have to go.Come on Patrick."I said standing up and pulling Patrick with me.

"But I thought you were-"

I cut Patrick off "I'll tell you later"I whispered to him.

I waved at the guys,ushering out the door.

"What is going on?"Ryan asked to himself.

"I don't know,but shes not telling us something"Jon said.

Brendon nodded.

"It doesn't really matter guys,if it really mattered she would've told us,and if its hard,she will eventually tell us.Or maybe its best that she didn't tell us" Spencer said.

Keltie told Spencer more then just what I thought she did.

"Look,can I just like tell someone.Like Spencer.Hes all-all like.Down."Keltie said,trying not to cry.

"Yea,yea.Sure.Look*Patrick stop!* Just nobody else."I said back into my sidekick,slapping patricks hand away.

Patrick giggles.

"Ofcourse...yea."

"Okay-Bye"I shrieked,laughing because Patrick was tickling me.

"No wait,Izz.You can't do this.Please.Not with Patrick.You'll just hurt him,I know I never met him but-We all know your going to end up back with Brendon.So don't ruin what you and Brendon have by hurting him more.Because your not the only one hurting.And when your done hurting,and you forgot what Brendon accidently did,you'll go back to him and leave Patrick in the dust.And then he'll be hurt."Keltie said.

"Kel-No.Thats not...."I was to shocked for words.I wanted so badly to get over Brendon,move on.Because I knew that he wasn't the one I could have babies with or marry.I knew he couldn't be tied down right now.But it was so hard,I couldn't stop loving his smile,voice,body,eyes,nose,and god those lips,his humor,personality,that taste..But most of all him.

I might still love Spencer,but in that; my first love,lost my virginity to him,Highschool lover.

I got over him,yea,if I could I would go back in time and have that last kiss again.That kiss outside the taxi in the rain.That goodbye kiss.

But I got over it,but how?

If I could remember I would do it with Brendon.I need to move on.

I feared that Keltie was right,what if I did go back to Brendon? What if he did it again?

"Patrick?"I ask,running my fingers across his cheek.

"Yea?"he whispers,looking at me through the darkness.

"I'm scared that when I get over what Brendon did to me,I'll go back to him.So please,please,don't let that happen.No matter what you have to do,because I don't want to get hurt again...and"I let out sobb.

"I don't want to hurt you,please don't let me hurt you Patrick.Please"I'm sobbing now,crying into his chest as he pets my multi-colored hair.

"Ofcourse,ofcourse.I wont,I won't" Patrick said,over and over again until I drifted into a dreamless sleep.

___________________________________________________________________________

I smile at Spencer from the doorway of the cabin.

It was Petes idea.

He wanted me to talk to them and get everything straight.

"Izz"Spencer froze,eyes wide and jaw dropped.To shocked for words.

"I-I came back to talk to you all,to tell the truth and-"I stopped,trying to remember what Pete told me.

"And to let you all know what I'm doing"I finished.

I eyed Spencer,and smirked.

"People weren't kidding when they said you looked like jesus"I laughed.

He rolled his eyes and smiled slightly,touching his beard before moving out of the way so I could walk in.

The floor was wood,the walls were wood,the stairs were wood.

I walked into the living room and their was all black furniture.

A brown and red fire place to the side and a big screen TV built into the wall.

Their was soft brown curtains hanging from both windows and a small black rug under the wood coffee table.

"Nice Place"I said,sitting down.

"Thanks"Spencer mumbled.

"So, how did you get here?"Spencer asked.

"Um,well.FOB is doing a show in Las Vegas tonight in some town,I can't remember.But its near here and I remember Cassie telling me the address,and plus Pete made me come"

"So,they just dropped you off....?"

"Um actually,Patrick came with-"I was cut off my a door bell ringing.

I heard footsteps up stairs and thumps down the stairs.

"I'll get it!"Ryan yelled,

"No-I will"Jon said.

But Ryan beat him to it.

We heard the door open "Oh,Patrick?"Jon asked,out of breath from running.

Silence.

"Oh yea-yea,come in"Jon ushered Patrick into the living room.

Jon and Ryan froze once they saw me.

"Izz!"Jon shrieked,running towards me and hugging me.

I smiled and hugged back,"I missed you too"

"She came here to tell us something"Spencer said.

"Um Spencer,did Keltie....."I trailed off.

He nodded and looked down at the floor.

"Okay so,everyone sit down.This might take awhile"I said,smiling at Patrick when he sat next to me.

"Wheres Brendon?"I asked.

"Upstairs in his room"Ryan said awkawrdly.

I got up and started walking towards the stairs.

"Remember Izz,I keep my promises"Patrick said to me.

I bit my lip and nodded,running up the stairs.

Upstairs in the hallway the wooden walls were covered in old paintings of Flowers and pictures of Lincon.

The wooden doors with rusty door knobs had things hanging off them.

Designs carved into the doors.

I ran my fingers across the only closed door,a heart with swirls around it was carved into the door.

I grabbed the rusty door handle and opened it.

The first thing I saw was a picture of me and Brendon when they first moved into their apartment ribbed in the middle.

The left peice had Brendon making a face and the right with his arm around my shoulder and I was smiling,trying not to laugh at Brent because he ran into the doorway while carrying a box of Fragiles.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

I heard a sniffle from under the covers.

I looked up,their was a lump under the covers of a wooden ing sized bed.

I made my way towards the bed and sat down,gently pulling the blankets off his head.

He looked up at me,eyes wide.

He froze for two seconds before rubbing his eyes,and grabbing his glasses.

"Izz?"Brendon whispered,voice low because he doesn't want me to know that he was crying but its obvious.

"Brendon?"

"Why are you here?"he asked,sitting up.

He had no shirt on,god.I just wanted to touch him,run my finger through his greasy hair and kiss his pouting lips.

"I came here to tell the truth,the guys are downstairs and Patrick is here.Put a shirt on and come downstairs"I smiled at him.

He nodded,but didn't move.

"You look really good"he said.

I was wearing Patricks red monkey hat,our matching red and white robot hoodie and tight blue jeans with red Nikes.

"Thanks"I said,getting up and walking out.

Don't let him do this.Don't let him back in.

I kept hearing Kelties voice in my head as I walked down the stairs.

"forgot what Brendon accidently did"